


Beam Me Up

by nagi_schwarz



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Crack, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-24
Updated: 2016-03-24
Packaged: 2018-05-28 17:14:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6337981
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nagi_schwarz/pseuds/nagi_schwarz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What happens when the life signs detector meets an Asgard beam.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Beam Me Up

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Brumeier](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Brumeier/gifts).



> For Brumeier, who's had a lousy day. Based on a discussion we had over email about what Lorne would do with the power to beam people where he wanted to on Atlantis, and how useful that would be, and also how it could go wrong.

“Get me McKay and Sheppard,” Elizabeth said.

Chuck nodded and tapped away at the communications panel. “Control for McKay and Sheppard.” He paused, listened. Shook his head. “No response, ma’am.”

Elizabeth glanced at Lorne, but he shrugged. Contrary to popular belief, he wasn’t actually Sheppard’s keeper.

“Try the radios at Sheppard’s bedside,” Elizabeth said to Chuck, who obeyed. He tried Sheppard first - no response - and then McKay - same response: nothing.

“What should we do?” Amelia asked. She nodded at the screen where Todd the Wraith was basically on hold, waiting to speak to his two favorite people.

“Protocol says we should dispatch someone to fetch them, ma’am,” Chuck said.

Elizabeth nodded at the marine guarding the door, but Lorne cleared his throat.

“There’s one more thing we haven’t tried,” he said.

“What’s that?”

Lorne glanced at Zelenka, who lit up like a Christmas tree. “The new Master Life Signs Detector. We have retrofitted it with an Asgard transport beam. Anyone who has a subcutaneous tracker can be beamed where we choose.”

“What if they’re not even on the city?” Elizabeth asked. “Are they scheduled for a designated Sunday?” She had no particular objections to people taking off early before their designated Sunday officially started.

“They’re not scheduled for a Sunday, ma’am,” Lorne said, and he always knew that sort of thing. “Do you want us to try the beam?”

“It won’t hurt them, will it?”

“Not at all,” Zelenka said quickly. “If the beam does not work, nothing will happen to them.”

Such technology could be imminently useful, and not just for summoning wayward staff. “Have you tested it?”

“On an apple implanted with a tracker,” said Zelenka.

“People are bigger than apples,” Chuck said dubiously, but Elizabeth nodded.

“All right, gentlemen, fire it up.”

Zelenka immediately began tapping away at his console, like a child on Christmas morning. Lorne stood beside him, keeping an eye on the Master LSD.

“Here goes,” Zelenka said, and pressed a button victoriously. There was a low humming noise, and then a column of golden light appeared in the middle of control, exactly like an Asgard transport beam.

Elizabeth could even see two figures materializing inside of it. Was it McKay and Sheppard? It looked like they were -

“Holy Hannah!” Chuck yelped and ducked his head, clapped his hands over his eyes.

Everyone else recoiled sharply.

“That’s ten bucks you owe me,” Lorne said to Zelenka. He shrugged off his jacket and draped it over McKay’s bare back, but it barely covered the necessities, or the fact that Sheppard and McKay had been in the middle of very enthusiastic, very _bendy_ sex when they’d been beamed into Control.

“What the hell just happened?” McKay demanded, starting to rise, and Sheppard said, “Ow, wait!”

Elizabeth recovered first. “Send them back! Send them back!”

Zelenka, wide-eyed, pressed a button on the control panel, there was another column of golden light, and McKay and Sheppard were gone.

“I’ll never get that jacket back now,” Lorne said mournfully.

Zelenka reached into his pocket and drew out a notebook, ripped a piece of paper out, and wrote out a ten dollar IOU, because no one on Atlantis carried money.

“...Clearly we need to establish some new protocols for that beaming technology,” Elizabeth said.

Some of the scientists had hit the deck when Chuck cried out. They peeked up over the tops of the consoles, eyes wide.

“Is everything all right?” Grodin asked.

Amelia blinked rapidly. “What should I tell the Wraith?”

Elizabeth had no words.

Lorne leaned over to Amelia’s console and said, oh so politely, “Todd, Colonel Sheppard and Dr. McKay are currently unavailable. Can I take a message?”

Todd smirked. “Yes. Please let John Sheppard know I will call again. Also, please note that your new transport technology disrupts your communications technology temporarily and opens all lines for just a brief moment. Give Dr. McKay my congratulations for conquering such a spirited man.” And the connection ended.

Zelenka said, “Wait, you owe me five dollars. Rodney was on top.”

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Settling Up](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6339784) by [nagi_schwarz](https://archiveofourown.org/users/nagi_schwarz/pseuds/nagi_schwarz)




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